Chris Singh

Memories of things we have done or think that we have so greatly influences us who we consciously are or try to be. After reading Lodge's Thinks, the concept of qualia keeps reminding me of another novel I read years ago, Written on the Body in it the narrator claims that the measure of love is always loss. I've always found this to be an accurate measure of something that should be unmeasureable. What about other types of qualia, motivation for example. How could it be quantified? As a teacher and a student I would have to say I'm torn between two answers, the first being the fear of failure and the second the hope of satisfying a basic psychological need for power through accomplishment and recognition. Having a constant wedgie sitting on the fence between these two ideas is as one may imagine not all together convenient. Lately, I think it can be broken down into more basic terms, actions and consequences.
A few years ago, the first summer I taught summer school I ended up teaching and learing something about actions and consequences. I was teaching English 8, a senior elective for students who needed to make up a credit in order to meet their graduation requirements. The session ran for thirty days and in that time I gave two tests and assigned one take home essay. By the end of the term, most of the kids passed, and a few failed. Of the latter, almost all of them were habitual cutters and did no to little work. However, there was one student who was straddling the line between passing and failing.
Student X was generally a nice person and if I could have given her a grade based on her personality she would have passed. Instead I had to rely on the work that she submitted, one exam that she passed narrowly, one that she failed by only five points and the rough draft of an incomplete essay. This presented me with quite the dilema. Afterall, she was a nice kid but I felt that she didn't really earn a passing grade. Ultimately, I decided to give her a failing grade for the course which meant that she would not graduate and would be unable to start the college which had accepted her, in the fall semester.
When September came I almost hoped that she would appeal to me to change her grade but I never saw her again until almost a year later. By then she was working as a waitress at the diner a few blocks from the school, where everyone goes. At first I didn't recognize her but as soon as I did I hoped that she wouldn't be my waitress. Much to my discomfort she walked over to my table and warmly greeted me and asked to take my order. Immediately I thought maybe she was doing it on purpose because she figured that I would be uncomfortable. Maybe she didn't. Either way I felt bad for both of us and wondered if the entire situation was more my fault instead of hers. It's upsetting seeing someone you (think) you know working in a (what you imagine to be) menial job. The first words out of my mouth were, 'I guess this is kinda awkward.' To which she pleasantly responded, 'Hi Mr. Singh, what would you like to get?' Her politeness made me feel guilty. When she returned with the food I gave it a once over just to try and make sure there were no visible signs of anything I didn't order. There weren't and the food tasted pretty good. I left a fat tip.
Afterwards, I kept wondering why couldn't I have given her the benefit of the doubt but then, she was the one who neglected the assignment, nevertheless, I knew she was working on it and based on what I had seen her essay would have been a good one. There was a lesson to be learned, there are consequences to our actions. Her lack of motivation was her own undoing. Judging from the diner experience I figure I would go back when I got a chance and check if she was in college. Of course by the time I went back it was a few months later and she was no longer working there. Eventually I found out that she had enlisted in the army. My initial thoughts were that the discipline would benefit her but, everytime I hear about the war cassualties I am filled with despair.
There is no way of knowing if she would have joined the army had she passed the class but the fact that I still wonder about it now motivates me to give students the benefit of the doubt. Actions and consequences.