It looks like I may be getting a leave replacement position. I’ve been subbing in a high school for the last week and it looks like the teacher will not be back this year. What a spectacular opportunity for me . . . I love it. But I’m beginning to wonder about the psyche of the average high school senior—Do they really hate absolutely everything? I swear . . . I do something good, they complain. I do something bad, they complain. There is truly no way of pleasing them . . . so I begin to wonder: Do I just give up trying? I know the logical answer is no . . . but . . .
For my own sanity do I stop trying to reach every kid? Do I stop trying to involve them in conversation? I walk around feeling like they surely hate me . . . only to hear from other teachers “Oh, I hear things are going great!” Um . . . they are? Oh, thank goodness!
I think part of the problem is that I still feel like a bit of an imposter . . . like I’m not really an English teacher. It’s kind of like becoming an adult and not feeling comfortable in your own skin. I keep wondering when my “Teacher clothes” will feel like old, comfy sweats. Fearing that I will one day realize that they may never be comfy . . . what then?
Comments (2)
Hi, Jennifer. As someone who became a h. s. teacher at 45--older than you are I am sure--it is worth the aggravation. I did a lot of crying during my first year, but of course, don't let the little monsters see you sweat. Cry in private! Don't take them personally. 95% of the time it is not about you. It is their job to act bored, complain about everything, and generally be a pain in the ass. Remember how horrible it was to be a teenager. I would say, never give up. There was a point where I finally accepted that I couldn't save everybody. But I try to watch for glimmers of light, in case an incorrigible has a change of heart.
It takes a long time to stop feeling like an imposter--at least it did for me. I began to feel really comfortable only last year--that was year 6 for me. One creates a teacher persona, which must be very genuine, I think, in the sense that it reflects one's essential nature, but there is also an element of the stage in it. I think it evolves quietly on its own, this persona. This year, year 7, is my best yet. I finally feel like I know what I'm doing.
But I think the best teachers never get smug, remain self-reflective, and keep looking for better and better ways to improve their game. The worst thing is to watch these old fogies (and there are some who are old by the time they are 30) phoning it in.
Teaching is the hardest, the best, the most frustrating, and the most rewarding thing I've ever done. It's an important job. Keep the faith!
Posted by Maryellen | December 6, 2007 10:10 PM
Posted on December 6, 2007 22:10
I know plenty of teachers and from what they tell me, the conduct your kids display is pretty common, whether you feel like an "imposter" or not (confident or not). And there's not much that can be done about it. Just shake it off. Be strong. Keep doing what you're doing, and try to think of ways to enrich your knowledge, in your subject, and in your audience (by watching and talking to other accomplished teachers, as well as by observing your students and their peers, and the ways that they learn and communicate). Then, just do it: enriching yourself, that is.
Remember that kids will be brats. Always.
Good luck!
Posted by Rebecca | December 10, 2007 11:26 PM
Posted on December 10, 2007 23:26