"And I have to admit that at times I do not know anymore." (p 42)
This exchange moves me to tears. It relfects one of the greatest difficulties in living with a CHRONIC (as opposed to acute, or curable) illness...the idea that one may never "feel like myself" again. When Bauby isn't sure that he is "there" what does he feel? Does he feel like someone else, or does he feel anihilated? I think of my father telling me that in his mind's eye he is still 30, and he is always surprised when he passes a mirror and seeing an older, balding, heavy man. These experiences (an inner self that does not match outward apperances) may be even more strongly felt when an inner self does not match capacity. How can we transition through these loses? How important is it to maintain a sense of still being "there" inside our body (or our brain)?
Comments (1)
I think your question resonates with my comment about ego-protective value of free will. By the same token, maintaining a more positive image of oneself, be it with regard to appearance or capacity, protects us from utter despair, hopelessness, and helplessness that comes with its loss. Again at the risk of sounding like Herr Freud, we use this sort of semi-denial to defend our selves in the face of adversity which we cannot change or avert. Such defense probably creates a safe medium while one is adjusting to their predicament. Funny I should sound like I graduated from Vienna Psychoanalytic Society, considering that my first college paper was totally Freud-bashing :)
Posted by Olga | September 11, 2007 7:02 PM
Posted on September 11, 2007 19:02