Milquetoast

Probably for the first time I forced myself to wake up from a dream. I keep having a recurring dream of running away with my ex boyfriend and at the last second I always remember the current bf and get over powered with confusion and guilt. Well on this particular occasion I forced myself out of the situation. I was on a train running away with the ex, as usual, and we were looking straight at eachother talking. He lifted his hands and we attached each of our fingers to the other's. There was something about our fingertips being connected that made me really uncomfortable. I remember staring at our fingers touching and telling myself that I had to get out of the situation.

I was dreaming about cleaning the kitchen. I swept up a pile of blackness and for some reason deposited the heap onto the top of the refrigerator. I went back to cleaning, washing off the counter...when my boyfriend came in and started to help me. He creates another pile of dirt, this one brown in color, and I notice that it is not dirt...but a pile of microscopic (but big) parasites. For some reason I could identify exactly what kind of parasitic creature I was looking at and I started to stomp them out. Just as I was stepping on the pile I looked up to the 'blackness' I put on the fridge and it had become a pile of black worms and bugs with long antennas. There were individual bugs but they were all stemming from a black blob of a center.

Honestly this book is just frustrating. I have found sinle moments that drag on for pages and I find myself frustrated because I am reading and reading and I can't figure out what's going on. I definitely see how it all flows as a dream, but I feel distanced from it because it is not my dream, so I have no idea at all of the persons involved. I like the boy, Boris, and I seem to enjoy it a bit more when he is frolicking around or falling asleep. The problem is I don't see the story going anywhere, half way through and only a minute amount of time has actually passed. I like the mystery surrounding Brodsky and I am interested in seeing where his idiosyncrasies are going to lead him. The town as a whole is also pretty intriguing, it seems similar to how I picture Victorian England.

My mom's birthday was slowly creeping by and I knew I had to call her, but I laid down for a nap. I had a dream that I was on the phone with my sister an she said to me "Do you think you're special...not being here? We are all here and you are not, where are you?" I don't remember responding to her, but when I woke up I had to think pretty hard on whether or not the conversation took place.

I have only written about 3 research papers over my high school and college years, and I hated them all!! My first research paper in 10th grade I actually had my boyfriend write because I wasn't going to do it at all, and he offered. I feel completely different about this project though. I have actually enoyed doing the research. Usually if I have a paper to do that requires an outside source I find the source and mould my paper around it, but for this project I have searched for pieces that fit the ideas I already have. I feel detective-like searching through databases for singe pieces that will create the whole of my project. I chose my topic because I figured it would be the least stressful for me, since I had an idea right away on which literature sources I would use, but through my research and reading I have become truely interested and intrigued. Instead of the paper being a burden, I find myself excited to get my ideas onto paper. It has been a little frustrating hunting down texts that are not available online, but the payoff has been pretty good. Although I am pretty damn nervous about the conference in May I am kind of looking forward to presenting everything that I have worked on.

I have become plagued by a recurring dream that I would really wish would leave my dream-world. Almost every night when I go to sleep I run away with my ex-boyfriend. We are always using some form of transportation, he has taken me on a plane, a boat, in a car, and we have even run off Victorian style in a horse drawn carriage. Sometimes I feel relieved, like he has saved me, and sometimes I am scared, as if he has kidnapped me, but I always go with him. Occasionally we get into some conversation that I am amazed by, but I can't remember upon awakening, and I get excited to find out our destination, but we never get anywhere, it seems to just be about the transportation. Usually I remember in the dream that I am in a relationship and I start to freak out about what I'm going to do.
I have tried remedies (like writing down what I would rather dream about), but nothing seems to rid my dreams of him. Recently it has begun to affect my life and my daily mood(s). When I was a kid I used to continually have a dream of finding my father in a bar with horror figures like Jason, and Freddy Kruger...I used to fear going to sleep because I knew that bar was waiting for me on the other side...I am getting the same feelings now, and I have been (unintentionally?) getting less and less sleep....I am at a loss of what to do about the situation...I want to go back to not remembering my dreams.

I seem to have advertised this class to much in my personal life. I keep recieving phone calls from family and friends asking me to interpret dreams. Sometimes I am forced to sit through a long drawn out dream-story, just to tell the person that I really don't know what the dream was supposed to mean...Occasionally I'll throw some dream theorist around, but it seems that people have their own reservations about what their dreams mean and even though they ask for another opinion they are quick to disagree with it. I have had friends call with a single object they have dreamed about, asking me what it means....like I am some sort of walking dream dictionary. Perhaps I know a bit of dream theory, but I do not hold the key to unlocking anybody's dreams....if I did then I would rid myself of that damn ex-boyfriend dream that haunts me.

I can't believe the class is already half-over. There are some pretty important things rapidly approaching that I am a bit nervous about. The research paper, although important, is not the thing I am most worried about. I am hoping that a large portion of next semester will be dedicated to preparing for the test in March. Usually when there is a big exam, like the SAT or the cuny proficiency exam, I crack under the pressure and the result isn't so bright. I would like to prepare for this test enough that I don't have to get nervous and freak out (a little nervousness is alright). I am also nervous of the conference in May, but right now I am trying not to think about that because I don't want to work it up in my head and make it worse for myself. I have always hated presentations, I tend to talk fast, stutter, and get hot/cold and uncomfortable...however, when i presented my research topic I didn't have any of these problems...I felt pretty comfortable up there, and I'm hoping I will feel the same in May.
Besides the worries about the semester to come I am looking forward to continuing the class. I have enjoyed both the assignments and the in class discussions. Although there has been a decent amount of work to do for the class I have learned a lot, and met some new people.
So far...so good......as 'they' say.